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She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens (Proverbs 31:15).

I was once head-over-heels in… well, lust, if we are to get real, with a man who had a great voice. After a while, he got his masters and had to leave for his country, so we kept in touch on the phone. Because of the time difference, it was difficult for us to call each other up at usual times. He often called me at about 3 or 4 am. The light from my phone would wake me up and I would immediately get up and begin to talk to him. We would talk for even up to three hours, or until it was time for me to go to class, about everything and nothing. In my mind at the time, he had the greatest voice and the cutest accent and all these things. After a while, the game had to stop because he was not born again and I was at that crossroads in life where I had to choose between narrow and wide, obedience and disobedience.

So if I could wake up at 3am to speak to a guy, why is it so difficult to do it to speak to the Lord, to hear His voice and talk about everything and nothing? And it’s never nothing - the Lord’s words are always timely and purposeful and they provide direction, vision and power. Why is it that I asked Him to change prayer time from 4am to 6am, and why is it that after a few weeks, even 6am began to feel like it was too early? I don’t know, but it’s something I wonder about, because if I truly love the Lord then His voice should be the one I long to hear the most and I should jump out of bed to meet Him as soon as the time comes. I should never want to leave, but the reality is so different - I find myself trying to peep at the cable box for the time, as if God can’t see my heart or know that even fifteen minutes after I open that I am already getting restless.

It’s also very amazing to me how I can be on the computer, or watching TV, or on the phone, or doing all other kinds of things, wide awake, but as soon as I open the Bible, sleep just comes out of nowhere! Or I find that I have been thinking about minutiae or daydreaming or something for minutes on end! Or my neighbour begins to play his loud music, or something like that! I have learnt to pray for the Holy Spirit to keep me concentrating, to keep me from distractions, to keep sleep far away from me and to thwart any plan of the enemy.

The virtuous woman riseth while it is yet night. What does she rise to do? I am constantly reminded of her industry. She seeketh wool and flax - she does not wait for the wool and flax to come to her. She bringeth her food from afar. And then, she rises while it is yet night. One thing I have discovered is that morning is the best time to meditate on the word and be with the Lord. It is quiet, because the world is asleep; I am alert, because I have just had a few hours of rest; and it is in following the example of Jesus (Mark 1:35).

The early bird catches the worm. Like I always say, in this plagiarized statement from Pastor Courson, I should seek God early in the day, early in my situation, early in life.

There have been weekends where I allow myself to just sleep and sleep and when I wake up, it’s noon or 1pm and half the day is gone! Waking up early helps me to maximise on the hours in my day and get more done than I would by sleeping.

Another reason to wake up early is to prepare breakfast for the entire household, so that when everyone else wake up, they have a hearty meal waiting for them. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I remember when I was in primary school, on the days I never felt like having breakfast, no sooner had the teacher begun to teach than my tummy would begin to rumble with hunger. It would not be right for a virtuous woman to allow any member of her household to undergo that if it is in her power to prevent it.

Virtue means valuing those whom God has blessed to work for me, such as househelps/maids. I should treat anyone who works for me as a human being and not as some ostracized animals. They are people, too, after all. “A portion for her maidens” … when I was a little girl, every time I went to a birthday party, I would save something for my sisters - a sweet, or a piece of chocolate, or a piece of cake. I felt so bad if I didn’t remember to take something back for them. I don’t know if I still have that tendency… but I always loved to share as a little girl. I should be generous. “A portion” sounds to me like a measure that is set aside after careful thought. The same way I would say, “Let me carry this sweet for Sojourner Ruth and this other one for Baby,” I should say, “Hmm, I know that ‘Jane’ will love this chicken breast, let me save it for her,” or “Let me wrap this for ‘Mary’ so that she has something when she wakes up.”

Saving a portion for my maidens means they are not there with me - which seems to mean I would wake up earlier than they do, although it could also mean that while I am in the kitchen, they are doing something else. I choose to see it in the former light, because it shows that virtue means setting an example for people in the things I expect from them. If I desire that articles be ready for editing by the 27th, why not have mine ready by the 25th? If I want to have a clean house, why not clean up after myself, instead of expecting the maid to pick up even the coaster? Mummy really disliked that - she never approved of three “big girls like yourselves” as she called us, sitting down and doing nothing while the househelp strived and struggled in front of us.

I can imagine what a blessing it would be for a worker to see an example from his or her boss. I myself often feel so blessed when someone superior to me is nice to me or finds time to sit and chat with me about even the simplest of things. People are put off by those who are stuck up and conceited AND self-conceited.

I still can’t get over the day I complained to my bgff (best girlfriend for ever) about the fact that people thought I was bossy. I said, “Esther, can you imagine! They said I am bossy! Me!” or something along those lines.

Esther said nothing and I knew from her look that indeed she could imagine. She explained to me that I was, in fact, very bossy! And further, that sometimes she did things just to go along with me and prevent drama because she knew I’d insist anyway!!!

I was so convicted and I still cringe to think about it. Bossiness creates a distance between people and gives that “pedestal” air to all kinds of situations. I have been praying about it since and I really pray that God would place in me a humble heart that does not want to rule over every situation and circumstance.

Smile 6 is because I am praising God for the fact that I’m slowly beginning to love to smile - yay! I took about 8 pictures today! Of course I can’t blog the cute-cuteish ones - I read the emails about those of you who have started your right-clicking and hitting “save as” and printing and putting anointing oil and praying for funny things!

Prayer: Lord, thanks for this convicting series of reminders! Please teach me humility, and I beseech You, my Saviour, please pour a love for Your voice into my heart. Let me desire to hear You, more than my necessary food! Teach me never to put food into my mouth before I have put food into my spirit! I need to love You, Lord!!!!! In Jesus’ Name. Amen…

Podcasting is complex… I don’t want to upload different mp3 players because that will mean the blog takes ages to load so I’ll try and figure it out maybe during the weekend if I’m still interested. I will hopefully be podcasting on a different site if all works well; I’ll blog about it when I begin, Lord willing.

Today was interesting.

I was on the Yakuti forum this morning, which I have to do every morning just to make sure things are relatively sane. There was lots of stuff, as usual, and a new discussion titled “Confession!” I wondered what it was. I thought it would be something about going to confession as a Catholic or something like that. When I read the first sentence my heart sank.

“I want to use this medium to air my feelings for wendwa/Pea.”

I figured okay, so people hate me but why bring the hate to the forum? I refused to read it, I closed that window and got my tea and decided to check and reply my mail. My heart was pounding at this point because I thought where have I gone wrong, what am I not doing right, should I just call Time Warner and disconnect my internet connection, how do these things happen every day, am I overreacting, I can’t take this… etc. I tried not to think about it.

Then I got curious and decided to read it. I scanned it for the tell-tale words of my usual hate-emails: “Fake, holier-than-thou, phony, pretender, extremist, fanatical, judgmental, judging…” To my surprise, there seemed to be nothing of the sort. So I finally got the guts to read it and I was so touched! Sasa me and my emotional self, the tears just started streaming down my face and I remember just thinking, “God, You love me, You actually do!”

And He does! It was such a blessing to read that confession, I was so touched that God knew how I felt last night and He found someone to sit down and take the time to bless my day. And I laughed because of the controversial TERC email, kumbe it blessed someone! God is good… I was really an emotional mess, because honestly, can you imagine? I was SO low last night, thanks to a combo of factors and then the comments I got just multiplied them, and God decided to get someone I didn’t even know to remind me that He is watching me and He loves me! This is the kind of thing that only Jesus can reward, I’m telling you. Because in doing it to me, the least of the leastestestest, Witness did it to Jesus.

Of course, I grabbed the blessings with the loudest “Amen!” I could muster! I always say God’s grace is written on the pages of my life, and here someone was saying, “May the Lord continue to multiply His grace in your life, and may you continue to grow in knowledge, wisdom and understanding, as you run the Christian race with perseverance. Amen!”

I was blessed by that because I always say God’s grace is written in the pages of my life.

And the other blessing, “I pray that in God’s infinite mercy, wisdom, and power, He will give you a man whose life is sold out to the Lord Jesus Christ; a man that will love you as Christ loved the Church. Amen!!”

And Amen! And by the mouth of two witnesses (lol, pun unintended), it is established! So officially you are reading from what is probably the latest blessed blogger in town.

Is God good or what? Also…

When I met Sehar, she was wrestling within herself, trying to figure out which is the right path. She explained to me how difficult it would be to tell her parents, because they are Muslim, and how she had no intention of letting them know if she ever became a Christian. At that point (February, I think), she was afraid to so much as mention that she had even been to church.

I began to pray for her from that day – occasionally with my sister, but may God forgive us for not doing so together every single night.

Today, as we had lunch, she asked if I had ever been baptized. Now, my baptism story is a little funny… I might blog it one day. I told her I had. I wondered within me if Muslims baptize nowadays – why would she be asking that? She told me she got baptized about a week ago at the school gym swimming pool, by Pastor Ray! I was so excited for her! I couldn’t help saying “Wow!” over and over again! I asked if she was officially sure that she wanted to be a Christian and she said yes!!!! Of course, I began to tear up again. I told her it was the best, bestestest decision she had made and the most important one in her life.

“And you’re sure of that?” she asked me.

“I’m positive,” I said.

If you read this, please keep her in your prayers. She needs them – she is still not sure how she’ll tell her parents and all, and because I don’t know any Muslims who’ve converted to Christianity, I can’t really understand what she is going through. Please pray for her.

Prayer: This is just me saying thank You for noticing the little little things that I sometimes think You don’t care about… and for the power You have to save… and for the people You always send, just in time, to bless me. And for the love that never grows dim. Thank You, in Jesus’ Name.

Compare this post.

She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar (Prov 31:14).

Before I begin I’d like to talk about a statement I made on a previous blog entry, which I think I should not be too lazy to explain.

“Sometimes I wonder, should we now try to multiply even the six billion people already extant on this planet?”

I just want to say that this in no way means I’m trying to say we should not be fruitful and multiply. When I look at the world, I often feel like it needs no more children, because I wonder who will take care of them. But the fact remains that God has commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. On my own, I can decide not to have any children. That’s okay, and right, in fact, if I am not married. But somewhere along the journey of courtship, I have to discuss this with my hubby-to-be and if he decides that he wants ten children, and if I choose to marry him, then I marry him knowing that he wants ten children and I do my best to submit to that wish and to carry it out to the best of my ability. If I feel like I do not want to have children, I am going to have to lay those feelings aside and in fact forget them if the man who marries me does want to have children. My opinions and my “wonderings” will never change God’s will and it would be hypocritical of me to say that I love the Lord if I cannot submit to the man that He has put over me. If I am not faithful in that which is least, how can I be faithful in that which is greatest? If I cannot submit to a man, why should I pretend that I am submitting, or willing to submit to God?

It may not make sense to me that God says be fruitful and multiply, even when there are six billion people on the planet, but even in things that do not make sense, my only duty is to obey. I wonder about many things. It does not mean I am rebelling. I will be careful with my words, however – and I will guard my thoughts, because I think wondering can cause a man to say, “Why can’t it be this way? And why can’t I change it and let it be this way for me?”

This issue kind of ties in to a discussion a few friends of mine and I were having concerning submission. Someone asked if wives are supposed to submit EVERY TIME a man wants sex. We came to the conclusion that if it is not posing anyone any harm (i.e if she is not like 8.5 months pregnant or if it is not 1 week after delivery or something like that), then she has to submit and give him what he wants. So someone else asked, “Okay, so what if I want to have sex and my husband doesn’t?” My friend Joy gently said, “Then no sex for you o.”

It ALSO ties in to a conversation I overheard between two people. A woman said, “Pastor, it’s unfair! Why can’t women occupy the seniormost position in a church!” He said, “Well, because the Bible says so. Authority is a huge position with plenty of responsibilities. I don’t hear any men asking why men can’t get pregnant. That’s a special responsibility for the ladies. Look at it like that.”

Anyway. Actually, while we’re on tangents, here is Smile 5a: Because… let’s see… because it’s always great to have a friend to help you take those ‘maalo’ pictures. And also because Jesus is LORD.

One thing I have never been able to figure out is how a man can tell if food is cooked with/out of love. I do know, however, that if a woman loves her husband, she will go out of her way to get him the food he likes to eat. Two incidents stand out in my mind.

One is, shopping with Auntie L. We were at a supermarket and she was looking for sweet potatoes. I remember the look of relief on her face as she found some fresh ones, and, testing them to see which ones were the best, she said, “Uncle J loves to have sweet potatoes for breakfast.”

The other incident, Auntie Tumaini is from Tanzania and she is very good with what I call “Swahili-Swahili” foods. She visits us in Nairobi frequently and is very close to Mummy. She actually showed my sister a chapatti recipe where she used onions… or was it garlic. One day, she was telling Mummy how she cooked at a gathering, I think uncle Tom was officiating, I’m not sure, but I think he was present. Someone shouted to her, “Tumaini, you cook food like you are cooking for a president!”

Her response, which I thought was pretty cool especially because she and Mummy said it at the same time, was

“But my husband is my president!!!”

That was years ago, and Uncle Tom has since passed away, but her words stuck in my mind and have come to me just now.

Someone who explained Prov 31:13-14 reminded me of Paul’s admonition to Timothy; having food and raiment, let us therewith be content. The virtuous woman seeketh wool and flax to clothe/cover her household, and then she bringeth her food from afar.

If working willingly with her hands alludes to industry, then it is not surprising that the virtuous woman will look for food from “afar.” It says she bringeth “her” food from afar, but I don’t think the food is hers only, if the following verses that speak about her generosity and kindness are true. Perhaps the “her” is said in the same sense as my friend E once said to me, “Mummy twists her mouth when I refuse to eat her food.” It’s food prepared by her, but it’s probably not prepared to feed just her.

Every night when I get home, I thank God because there is nobody to cook for and take care of. I cook once a week, if that, and I prepare enough to keep me through the week – an assortment, so that I can mix and match and not get bored, because school is always hectic. A few weeks ago, I decided to make cooking every evening a habit, and to try and be creative. I haven’t quite started yet – so far I’ve accomplished 3 nights a week (and the third night was because I discovered that I had liver in my fridge and liver is one of my favourite types of meat!).

How far am I willing to go to cook for anyone except myself, even with the crazy food prices? If I am not generous now, nothing will change in the future. I need to work hard and ensure that I am able to avoid the dreaded “money for tomatoes scenario” which I talk about so often, and which goes something like,

“But Tom, what is this now? Do I have to spell it out? I told you I need to go and get meat. This is not even enough for gas. Kwani what am I supposed to use to actually buy the meat? And unless you want to eat boiled meat for dinner, you’d better add some money for rice and condiments.”

I have been through Prov 31 before, even on this blog, but somehow personalizing it in writing makes it so much more of a challenge.

Prayer: Lord, sometimes I am tempted to believe what Pastor Hagee says, that the Proverbs 31 woman is not just one woman, that no single woman can achieve all those things. However, deep down, I know that virtue is possible and I know that You would not have put that section in the Bible if it were not for the fact that You have provided the strength in us to accomplish it. Please help me trust in You as my Jer 32:27 God and lean on You to help me achieve this. Also, please bridle my tongue and my fingers because like the saying goes, whereas silence is often misunderstood, it is never misquoted.

I don’t like the way it sounds, you can hear every single sound in my mouth and it’s a little disgusting but voila… maybe speaking my thoughts is better than writing them. Next time I’ll put the mic even further than it was tonight.
Shalom.

She seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands (Prov 31:13).

Ah, these hands. Do they work willingly? What is that going to be like, in the next ten years? (Why do I always think about the future like that?) We don’t need to seek wool and flax. We have Macy’s, J.C. Penney, H& M and all those other stores. We have Wal-Mart. We have dishwashers, microwaves, washing machines, mixers, vacuum cleaners and even those robots…

I have just remembered how my mom got one of those for her birthday, last year I believe… and she talks to it like it’s an animal. Lol. “Where are you going! Don’t go there, come and clean here!” Hahahaha….

Anywho.

What work will there be left for my hands to do in the next few? How is this verse relevant to me in 2008? Wool and flax are raw materials… could this mean that I should develop the gifts and talents in my life that are undeveloped? Everyone has at least one gift. But she SEEKETH wool and flax. I really don’t think this means that the virtuous woman has to sew her own clothes and those of her family even in this day and age when we have more convenient options. If she can, then it’s wonderful, but I don’t think anyone should beat themselves up if they are unable to sew or knit.

Wool and flax were pretty common in the days that this chapter was written. People owned sheep by the hundreds, so it would not have been difficult for a woman to find wool. I don’t know about flax, but I don’t think it would be difficult to come by, either. So why does she SEEK it? Does this mean she doesn’t just buy anything that’s out there? She seeketh… meaning she goes looking for it – why would she look for something that is easily available, unless of course she wanted a particular kind? I remember when Hostess unga first came out, Mummy refused to make ugali with anything else… and there were times we would go from shop to shop not because there was no flour but because Mummy wanted Hostess. It could be the same concept here.

Why wool and flax? I’d say wool for the winter and flax for the summer… in other words she plans for the right things at the right time.

She worketh willingly with her hands. If I love the Lord with all my strength, then everything I put my hands to will be for His glory. What do I spend time building? Does it glorify God? Am I the kind of person who has no peace unless I have been up to something evil? How do I use my time? Do I have to be forced to work or to use my gifts? I am accountable to God and to those around me. From my understanding of this verse, virtue means using my gifts, talents and efforts to glorify God and to help the people I interact with.

Smile 4…

Prayer: Lol… the laugh is gone, but thank You anyhow. Please help me see that being Your child is a privilege even when I don’t like it, when I fall short, when my hands are no longer willing to work for You. I know there is a point and I know You love me too much to let me be shady so I thank You.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Prov 31:12).

{So! I came here to post the entries I typed out on Word earlier today and read the four comments I received today (two of which were cussing me out and thurrfore had to be deleted) and I realize that it is not just my future hubby that I need to do right, I’ve wronged so many people and most of all I’ve wronged God. I’m a little discombobulated which is what always happens at times like this BUT I will be strong and post what I came to post and if there’s anything that does not glorify God blame it on me. Something is wrong somewhere, that much I know and now I’m stuck posting 31 smiles because I said I would.}

This is perhaps the most difficult of the Virtuous Woman verses for me to deal with. King Lemuel says that the virtuous woman will do her husband good and not evil, not from the day she is married to him, or only on the days he does good to her, but all the days of her life.

That means from birth through to eternity.

Which would therefore mean that nobody is virtuous.

But even so, if some husband exists somewhere out there for me, I know I have not done him good all the days of my life. What’s more, I have not done him good even at times that I had the opportunity to. And it sort of bugs me.

What does it mean to do a man good and not evil, anyway? Of course from the day she gains the title “wife,” the virtuous woman knows she should be noble, she should not nag, she should submit, she should take care of the children and basically build her home as a wise woman should do. She should give the enemy no cause to speak reproachfully (1 Tim 5:14).

But what about BEFORE she gets that title? We hear about chastity every day, but is this it? Is a woman declared virtuous just by walking down the aisle, having known no man?

I still think about Bubbles and Mrefu every time I read this verse. I know that chastity/celibacy/purity is a big, fat, huge part of this verse.

I used to pray for my future hubby every day, until I got to the point, a few months ago, when I decided it was a little crazy and maybe there was no future hubby anyway. I see now that that was not the right thing to do. Until God tells me He has called me to be single I have no option but to believe His desire is for me to get married someday and that means like I have said time and again, that this man exists somewhere in this world. I used to pray for his family, his friends, the people who surround him, until one day I began to ask myself, “Who does this!” and completely forgot that Mummy had a reason for giving me this advice and that it is when we feel like praying the least that we should pray the hardest.

And then, I also kind of thought I had an idea who he was, which made me begin to direct my prayers toward this person. I thought I heard God say, this is the one for you and for a week I prayed for this particular guy but it was not seven days after I thought God spoke to me before our friendship was ruined and even now it seems like it’s beyond repair. My theory became, either I misheard God and He tried to knock the sense into me, or I heard Him right and the enemy is being funny. Either way, praying for my future hubby was not the same and I probably need to seek God for help in praying for him without knowing who he is.

When I was younger I was a huge flirt. I don’t even know what happened because now people actually have to announce that they are trying to be funny for me to even notice it. A few years ago, I realized that it is wrong for me to flirt with someone if I am not married to him. I also remember Adrian Rogers saying no man should use the name “sweetie” or “baby” or any of those other names on any woman except his wife. I took that to mean, by extrapolation, that I too needed to stop referring to everyone as “sweetheart” and “babes” and “boo” and all those other nicknames I had for people about a year ago.

I have tremendous, tremendous love for my family and I pray that God will give me the strength to leave my father and mother and become one flesh with my hubby without being tempted to call my family every minute or spend weeks at home or things like that. I know a woman who is very close to me whose marriage was destroyed because her sister was always in her business. “You need to leave that man,” her sister always said, and even said that she (sister) was going to leave her own husband – but lo and behold, more than 20 years after sister 2 took sister 1’s advice, sister 1 is still happily married to the same man. Family can ruin a person, that’s what I learnt from that. By God’s grace, I’ll enjoy the time I have with my family now. Once I get married, I can no longer put their word above my husband’s – it says wives, submit to your husbands, not to your sisters and brother and mother and father. It also says a man shall leave his father and mother - husbands, love your wives – in other words, your wife comes before your mother. And your father. Oh, and your boys. And even your kids.

Doing him good means a whole lot, it is no easy task especially when talking about someone I’ve never met but because God sees the future I will trust Him to teach me.

The Lord is my Maker and my Husband and He is the One I should aim to please whether I am single or married. He should be the one on my mind every day. And before I go to sleep every night I should ask myself if I have done Him good that day.

Prayer: God, being saved has not been fun for the past 18 minutes…

11 May 2008 - 6th of Iyyar, 5768

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The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil (Prov 31:11).

Today, as I was doing my groceries and thinking about this verse, I figured that since I’m pretty much clueless about men, then if I cannot get a man to trust me with his heart, then I can at least get him to trust me with his stomach. After all, it’s along the same route, right?

Over the past few months a number of things have happened to show me just how much I need to work on getting to the point in life where I will be able to say that my husband’s heart can safely trust in me. But there are two big problems with this, as far as I’m concerned. First of all, I am not married. Second, I have noticed an increasing lack of desire for marriage in my life. The only reason I can think of to get married is to be able to have some help around here – and that can be sorted out in a week by putting up a “roommate wanted” sign or moving into a smaller apartment where the surface area will be greatly reduced.

Sex, well… what difference would 100 more years of a sexless life make? I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I used to… but I don’t know what happened. Someone must have prayed for me.

Babies? Lately I’ve been thinking it makes more sense to take care of the children who already exist than to bring children into the world if they won’t be raised right. God is being kicked out of our schools. Children are shooting each other. It will take the grace of God and years of heartache and persecution of one’s family and one’s children to be able to raise a child who believes in God. God said be fruitful and multiply. Sometimes I wonder, should we now try to multiply even the six billion people already extant on this planet? Right now in the U.S. you have to acknowledge the possibility of no God if you are to pass your Philosophy classes. Every time I hold a baby, I pray hard, because I always pan ahead to the next 20 years and I cannot imagine what that child is going to go through. I could go on and on about this but.

And as for company… with the way things are going, will I even have the time? I have so much on my plate that I don’t know if any man will be able to handle my schedule, which does not look like it’s going to get less hectic any time soon. Jesus is enough for me right now.

There are some things that would be great to share with a man but I think my experiences have completely quashed the notion that there may be any good man who can deal with me and my dramatic life without any of those chauvinistic or insecure or what-not issues cropping up somewhere along the way. It is this drama that makes me just get exhausted by the thought of a relationship. Given my location, any relationship would have to be long-distance and I am yet to meet a single man strong enough to hold his own considering the difficulty of such a relationship. And then there is the tiring process of getting to know a person. Risking all kinds of emotional hurt and financial ruin and drama only to find out years later that it is not about to work, or that you took seriously something that another person thought was just marination for their next booty-call.

My friend Deandra says all I need is someone to sweep me off my feet. My friend David always said “You like to talk! Wait until that man comes with his manifesto and falls on one knee…” Lol - I don’t know, but somehow I think my feet are going to stay put for a while.

But ANYWAY! Just in case:

Can I protect a man’s heart?

Well, what exactly makes up a man’s heart? I have found myself thinking about this several times this week, in relation to something unrelated to this Prov. 31 series. What is in a man’s heart? Do men have hearts, aside from the physiological pumping heart – do they experience things in the same way women do? And how is this expressed? Must it be about the mushy?

First of all, I would have to set my priorities right and literally put some effort into building an intimate relationship with him. Today’s men are often put after the kids, the job, the cooking and cleaning, the shopping, and the catching up with girlfriends. It’s only after all this that many women can find time for their husbands. Which makes me often wonder what the surprise is when these men end up cheating.

Another thing I’ve noticed is men absolutely hate it when they are disrespected, especially in public. I’ve watched men’s expressions as their wives yell or nag in supermarkets, at family gatherings, in the car as they give a bunch of strangers a ride, and in all other kinds of places. I am the kind of person who, when I need to resolve something, I will want to air my grievances immediately and I will want the issue to be analyzed and solved THERE and THEN . “There and then” is often in supermarkets, at family gatherings, in the car… you get the picture. So if I don’t curb that now, then I’m headed for trouble.

I believe that it is every Christian’s calling to expose sin as soon as it occurs. I will normally speak out against sin no matter where or when or how, and I expect people to do the same for me. I have learnt that when God gives me a dream, it does not mean I should go immediately and tell it to the person. It takes prayer to share some stuff. I cannot be shouting a dream and its interpretation outside the bathroom door as my friend takes a shower, just because it is an emergency. I need to learn to be careful with my words because if I am rash then I will not be an easy person to trust.

I know that I must be ready to affirm a man and be willing to encourage him in his achievements. I should also pay attention to the cues he gives that women probably do not pick up on – things he talks about that sound like utter nonsense if a woman does not recognize that he is sharing his heart.

I shouldn’t go into anything with a set of rules and expectations of how a certain group of people ought to function, and most importantly I should not place any man into this group. Everyone is different and while we are all called to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, our neighbor as ourselves and to obey the Lord as a demonstration of this love, every individual is different. Even while we all love the Lord, it is impossible for us to all have the exact same personalities and gifts of the Spirit.

The pic on the right is Smile #2 - “because God says I’m pretty even when I’m half-blinking on cleaning-and-grocery day” just before I went to Wal-Mart.

What will I do if I am expecting a gift but don’t get one? Or if I want something to happen a certain way and it doesn’t? what if the man I meet does not in any way act like the men in the movies? What then? Is he good enough for me even when he is not doing his best? Am I constantly pointing out weaknesses and mistakes and shortcomings? Do I have to be squeezed like a lemon for praise and affirmation and encouragement to come out of me, and if I do, do compliments have a bitter twist to them?

What makes a man circle the block for hours before finally getting into his driveway and entering his home? What makes him dread saying goodbye to the guys before retiring to his home? What kind of woman makes him so irritated and frustrated that he would rather live on the corner of a housetop? Am I a nag? A wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

Prayer: Lord, I pray that You would help me to be a trustworthy woman not just to a man but to everyone who shares their heart with me. Thank You for all You are teaching me. Thanks for walking with me! Please don’t stop – in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

May 10, 2008 - 5 Iyyar, 5768

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Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies (Prov 31:10).

An unhealthy focus on myself can cause me to become self-confident or self-piteous, and none of these is right because if I am self-confident then there is no place for God in my life, and if I am self-piteous, I end up being too preoccupied with who’s done me wrong to understand or even simply see how much good God has done for me. If I focus healthily on myself, I will understand that I am bought with a price… and that price is far above rubies… and I will focus on myself only long enough to marvel at the One who laid His life down for me.

Perhaps the reason a virtuous woman is so hard to find is because many women today are too busy looking at, after, themselves that they forget that life is not supposed to be lived focusing on me, me, me but rather that our gifts and attention should be focused upward, to God, and then extended outward, to men.

A self-occupied woman is very, very easy to find. Life is about her, and her every effort proves it.

Why do I do the things I do – are they all about me? Why am I in school? Why do I blog? Why am I going through this process of understanding the virtuous woman? Is it so that I can parade myself around as the prime example, and get some glory for myself?

Am I cheap? Am I easy to find, am I just another one of “those girls”? Am I as easy to get as the next piece of wood? Do I fall for every man and every doctrine; do I succumb to every temptation?

There are rubies.

Then there are things priced above rubies.

My worth, my price, is far above those things.

What does that mean?

Why should it matter?

How should my life change if I truly believe it?

Sure, all rubies have imperfections. But I am not a ruby*. I am priced far above rubies. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that the Lord would tell me to be perfect, as He is perfect, and holy, as He is holy.

This month, I am going to try and make smiling a habit, just like it used to be. So much has happened, and I feel like I’m losing my smile. It takes 30 days to form a habit. Lord willing, I’m going to go back to taking pictures every day, and I’ll post the pictures for 31 days, and see if that makes me feel as smiley as I believe I was a few months ago.

Smile #1: Because Jesus set me free.

Prayer: Alright, Lord… Here we go again… I’m blessed to be led through this by You, yet again. I appreciate it. Thank You for loving me first. Help me to love You truly. Thanks for today! Please bless Rukia!!! In Jesus’ Name - Amen.

*neither am I perfect…

Jesus,

You are teaching me that You’re real. It’s so funny how long I prayed to You and walked with You but still thought You were some faraway Being who had no idea what I was going through. I was even ashamed of You and tried to walk ahead and not be seen with You. It’s even more amazing how I never thought You cared about my feelings, how I was afraid to share some of my thoughts with You, thinking You wouldn’t care or that there were more important things to You or that my emotions did not match some standard that I felt You had set for the things that should be brought before You. I felt like my prayers would be a strange fire and I concentrated them on other people or the very basics. It took me so long to make the move to try and get to know You, because I was so consumed in my own interests. Sure, I was born again, but Lord, how patient You’ve been with my twisted motives… and even more with my seeming inability to grasp things quickly! Sometimes I feel like maybe You just cover Your face with Your hands and shake Your head and wonder what You are going to do with me, but how would that be possible – if You cover Your face, You will not see all things, and if You were to wonder, it would mean You don’t know all things. I remember reading a blog and thinking over the past few days how people think You are a Philosopher – Lord, I am sure I have been guilty of this fallacy. But I thought about it today and I remember having that epiphany in my head where I feel like I’m speaking to someone on a talk-show, and thinking to myself, “But philosophy, roughly translated, means ‘love of knowledge’. And for You to love knowledge would mean that You do not have it yet or that it is something separate from You. Yet You are both Love and Wisdom.”

How do You feel about my random thought-processes? I feel a little strange sharing with people how I think about everything in relation to heaven… and how I am always wondering what this-and-that will be like in heaven or thanking You because I won’t have to deal with some things when I get there. If Your kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost, then it must be perfectly okay for me to live on earth with my mind on heaven, right? Because in You, I am made righteous; You have given me Your peace; and You have provided the Holy Ghost to comfort me even in the saddest moments. I can be in Your kingdom as I go through the most torturous moments on earth… and I use the word “torturous” knowing I have not resisted unto blood.

Lord, today I thought about my spirit. If You say, “Before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee,” and if “in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them,” and “my substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth,” then it must mean that before I was born, to You, I existed… or rather, before I was fully formed mentally and physically, I was fully formed spiritually. I have been thinking about that since the day my professor joked about a baby being circumcised on the 8^th day and forgetting about it but developing an incomprehensible fear of knives later in life. Is a person fully formed spiritually while they are in the womb? Why then did John kick in Elizabeth’s belly when he recognized You in Mary’s womb?

All these thoughts… and it’s also because I think You are showing me that something was done to me as a child that I don’t remember, but that is the reason for many of the struggles I face and many of the passions I have. I don’t know, but all I know is whatever it takes, Jesus, I want to cling to You. Thank You for orchestrating that I would not be able to live without You. It really bugs me that I have not truly loved You even thus far. I want to lay crowns at Your feet because why else did You die? And what is the reward for Your suffering if not that souls be won to You – that the heathen be Your inheritance? And You are coming so, so soon, I don’t even know what to do every time I think about it because it seems like people are sober but they are not vigilant, they are sober but they are asleep. Paul told us that that day would not come until the son of perdition be revealed. But Lord I am learning that for something to be a revelation doesn’t it have to be something that people are looking out for? The star that shone to declare Your birth was out there, but if the wise men had not been looking out, how would they have seen it? And what about the men on their way to Emmaus, how would they have known it was You if they had not invited You to dinner (lol, okay maybe I’m stretching this theory a bit but I think it applies, right?). So how would we know if the son of perdition has been revealed if we are so clueless about what is going on?

You are teaching me that You are real. Yet You are coming so, so soon, and I don’t even know You like that yet. I remember praying often for a challenge, and You have provided one. I remember praying that You would give me friends who trust in You, and You have. I am always praying “give, give, give.” I always wonder what would happen if Paul lived today. With all the technology, Lord, with all the resources available to Your children today… how come I find it increasingly scary to ask “Lord, what will You have me to do?”

You love me so, so much, and the other day in class as I was writing Your name in my book instead of paying attention, I remember thinking how long it had been since I had “daydreamed” about You like that! I don’t know if it was daydreaming because technically wouldn’t that involve something or someone that is absent? You are with me all the time.

I have also discovered that I don’t know anything. I keep discovering that, and it sometimes feels new… maybe I forget or something.

Anyway… I came today to ask You for guts. I need boldness, Lord… Remember that day I thought I heard You tell me to get up and begin to preach on the train (surely, on the TRAIN!), and You made me take a look at everyone around me and realize that You died for that lady whose toes I could see… and the old man on his way to the bathroom… and the two people beside me talking about their marriages… You died for them! And there I was on the train, fighting the urge to tell them that Your kingdom is at hand. I honestly literally felt like You were pulling me out of the seat, but somehow the thought of being in a jail-cell that night for disturbing the peace kept me put.

I am listening to the Our Daily Bread instrumental CD and I am wondering if I really do Surrender All, and if I really do want You to Have Thine Own Way. I want to WANT You to take everything. I want to WANT to be so confident in You that I am able to take my eyes off myself and my situation. I want to WANT to do Your will… and I could be wrong – if I am, You’ll show me – but I believe all this takes GUTS. I read from someone’s site how she wants to put a smile on Your face and to be known by You as a daughter but also as a friend. Lord, I have never prayed that. Do You ever smile at people and say “Very good, My child”? Can anyone go to bed at night thinking, “The Lord is happy with me today.” Does the fact that I can’t picture it mean I have some complex? Should I desire that, or will it make me proud? I do want to make You happy… but every time I think about such things I have to stop and remind myself that You are real and closer to me than my thoughts and that this is a true, realer-than-life, relationship.

I want Your voice to be the sound that gets me out of bed every morning. I want to do things and just make You happy. Just bless You, Lord. Because You have blessed me! When people are in love they don’t care what other people think. I want to do that. I want to be radiant every day because I hear You say every morning that You love me.

I believe that if I get the guts to pursue You to that level, I will be a vessel unto honour. Because if I love You, I will be able to love those You have created. I will disregard man’s opinions and witness until my voice is hoarse and hug until my arms are numb and run until I finally get those footballer calves. Lol! Thank You Lord for not giving me those, and may I never think I am better than anyone because I don’t have them – Amen and lol. I want to bless people. I want to be a true friend. I still wonder how I can laugh with people if they are going to hell. What is hell, even?

Remove the scales from my eyes, Lord. I love You so much and I want to stop saying it more than I actually live it. I want to be Your friend because You are mine. I’ve wronged You severally and I’m so sorry, I pray that You will give me the grace to just stop the foolishness and cling to You for everything. I always talk about how far I am from the mark but yet Lord even this distance I have accomplished would not have been done without You. Please give me the guts to keep going… and be my Number One always. You have inscribed my name in Your palm… let me inscribe Yours on my heart. Let everything that I accept have to go through the Guard of Your Name and be approved or disapproved by the Gauge of Your Word.

Thank You for everything You’ve taught me. Thank You because the Living God, the God of all gods, thought about me… and loved me before my parents ever knew each other… and had a plan for me when I was probably still a concept in many minds. That probably does not make sense but I thank You for everything.

**Kinda graphic… if you’re not female, read at your own risk**

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us (Romans 5:3-5).

There’s a debate going on over at the Yakuti forum* about what women should do during that time of the month. I tried to post a response, but about ¼ way through, I realized that it was probably going to be too long for anyone to bear, so I decided to bring it to my blog.

I remember I had a classmate who, during a biology lesson in either 3rd or 4th form, asked exactly how a woman’s period works. He wondered about pads and things. He did not know that the average period lasts a few days. “Do you mean it just continues dripping like a tap?” he asked, very amused, but also very surprised. He also did not know that women do not use just one pad for the entire period (unintended pun). “So you have to keep changing-changing?” He asked, still in shock. The teacher was very amused, too, as were the girls. I turned around to look at him and I asked if he was serious. It was that day, on the day that I realized a 17, 18 year old could be so clueless, that I knew for real that men have no idea what women go through. The other day, my realization was taken a step further as it hit me that whereas a woman has to see that very disgusting stuff every single month for something like 35-40 years on average, a guy will never have a SINGLE period in his LIFE!!!!! Never, never, never, never, really really! It was so fascinating to me, and this was probably less than a year ago that I thought about this. N.E.V.E.R (on that note if you are male and you see any blood within certain regions please visit your nearest emergency room).

Can you imagine? And can you imagine if guys had to go through this? Oh my goodness! When a woman has a headache, nobody will know, except probably her girlfriend or sister or mother who will call and notice that her voice is slightly different. She will do everything as usual. But let a man get a headache! Ewoo! Disaster! The world is over! He will not go to work. It will be breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed. My professor admitted to us yesterday evening that when he has a cold, he exaggerates it just to get his family’s attention. I remember watching a show, I think it was Judge Lynn Toler, where this woman was complaining about her husband. She had so spoilt him that once, he had a cold, and she was at work. He called her up to ask her to get him something, probably the remote or something. She said, “It’s right there! Get up and get it!” He said, in agony, “I can’t! I can’t do it!” So this woman drove home and got him whatever it was he wanted! She left her job, miles away from home, to give the man something that was a few steps from the bed!

So you can imagine! On top of having weekends, we would all have 7 days every month where people did not go to work. But the crisis is that not everybody would have their period on the same 7 days donc what would we do?

God really put a lot of thinking into creation. He built us with the correct mechanisms to deal with whatever we need to deal with. To think that He did it in six days – yes, literal days! My Father na Bigi Man o!

So anyway, people on the forum are talking about what to do, and I have been reading with interest because I happen to be one of those people who get those really, really bad cramps, to the point where you will be talking to me and I’ll just look at you wondering what you are saying and why you keep going on and on and even go further to expect me to reply.

I found it really cute that one guy actually asked how to help out during this very difficult period (I keep saying that! Lol). “What should we do should we hang around, offer comforting words, or should we just stay away and shut up until it’s all over…” he said.

Someone else said, “I kind of feel like it’s easier for a guy to say ‘relegate the flesh to the cross’ because they will never know what it’s like to have to deal with this stuff every single month! it’s not just the moodiness or whatever, it’s the bloating, lack of appetite, dizziness, headaches, backaches and cramps also, and these can just ruin anybody’s day if they try to be happy, so how do we promote a merry heart and how do we learn to focus our attention away from the pain and agony and suffering.”

I agree with that! It’s very easy to get spiritual and tell a woman this and that and quote scripture but her tummy is still in pain, she still feels bloated and all that stuff and this life is about being practical – faith without actions is dead, type of thing.

As I was thinking about this particular comment, two thoughts came to my mind, “Tribulation worketh patience,” and “Partaking in Christ’s sufferings.” Tribulation and patience, those I get. But I was like, par-who… par-what??? Christ’s sufferings? He was in all points tempted as we are… Okay, and yes, that means in ALL, not some or almost all… but… um… HELLO! Then the picture of the cross came to my mind, just Jesus, carrying the cross and walking up that hill, see now I am about to cry because that picture always makes me cry (it’s a good thing to think about when you’re about to do something shady – did Christ walk up that hill for me to be/do/say this?).

Anyway. Jesus knows headaches and dizziness. He had a crown of thorns and had to carry a cross up that hill – bleeding, after being flogged. He knows what cramps are – nobody offered him anything to eat; He must have had serious hunger cramps. He knows what it’s like not to be understood. Sometimes a guy is trying to be helpful but he’s doing it out of ignorance and offering all these tips that don’t work, and all you want to say is “Shut up!” Jesus knows what that’s like. Peter meant well, but Jesus said, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” and it must have looked like a mood swing, because a few verses earlier, He had said, “Flesh and blood have not revealed this to thee, Simon son of Jonah!”

So Jesus knows. He knows!!!! I think that’s pretty cool! You know, it’s good enough that He actually created us women and that He knows our workings. That’s just the same way a manufacturer knows his product, and even better. But for the Manufacturer to humble Himself and actually become like the product, go through what the product goes through in order to fully know what it’s like to be in those shoes… and it’s not that God didn’t know – He’s God, you see, which makes it even MORE AMAZING that it was a choice He didn’t have to make… for Him to do that for me, for you, for us, ladies…. that makes Him a worthy High Priest.

These trials build us in patience, and in experience, and in hope, so that we are not ashamed!

You know what someone said? One pastor said, Big Purpose, Big Palaver. Our calling is so great and so special that God offered to give us something that a man will never experience – something that a man could never survive if he experienced it. So forgive me for being graphic, but the next time you have serious cramps, or try not to look at that disgusting stuff, or feel like saying “Get thee behind me,” and have to bite your tongue to keep from adding the “Satan” because your friend is a child of God, remember, remember, remember!! JESUS KNOWS!!!!!!

I’ll probably regret saying this in a few weeks, but I can’t wait for that time of the month, just so I can smile and say, Hmm, God, You know!!!!! You actually K.N.O.W!!!

Prayer: Lord, me I’m thankful that the Creator of the Universe is my Father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know!!!!!! Truly, “Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising… thou art acquainted with all my ways!” and can You imagine, Paul says one day I will know as I am known! You know me better than I know myself, and one day I, too, will know!!! I love You!!! Here is one thank You I doubt I’ve ever said: Thank You for that time of the month! The average woman has 12 months every year for about 35-40 years, to partake of Your sufferings! Hello…are we priviledged or what! Amen.

*join join join!